Wednesday, August 17, 2022

MLB Star Power Index: The anagrammed All-Star Game rosters, starring Rooster Scent and Oh! Ah! Hit Noise!

MLB Star Power Index: The anagrammed All-Star Game rosters, starring Rooster Scent and Oh! Ah! Hit Noise!

Whatever this is, here it is

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Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index — a weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one’s presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week’s honorees …

The two players above, whose names shall be revealed shortly, are All-Stars. That’s fitting because in this edition of SPI we’re going to focus on the All-Star Game, which is an annual forced, half-hearted gathering of MLB’s best players, all of whom would prefer not to be there. 

In the general spirit of that — i.e., taking inventory of one’s responsibilities, identifying the bare minimum required, and then doing less than that — we’re here to mark the occasion of the forthcoming All-Star Game by listing the American League and National League All-Star rosters. But wait: There’s more (barely). Rather than wallow in the mundane by reciting each player’s name, we’re going to recite a chosen anagram of each player’s name. For the uninitiated, an anagram descends from the firmament when you take the letters of one word or set of words and with those letters create an entirely different word or set of words. For example, an anagram of the word “hits” could be … “this.” 

If you’re interested in the actual All-Star rosters, then you should click on this internet hotlink. If, however, you’re interested in the All-Star rosters in anagram form — and you absolutely are not — then turn the steering wheel of your desktop mobile device to scroll down this electric piece of paper right here. 

American League Starters

C: Dank La Joker IBlue Jays

1B: Mr. Irregular Jive Rod, Blue Jays

2B: USA Love Jet, Astros

3B: Rev. Free SaladRed Sox

SS: Train DemonsWhite Sox

OF: Ed Guano JarYankees; Kite TumorAngels; Long Croatian Ants, Yankees

DH: Oh! Ah! Hit Noise!, Angels

National League Starters

C: Ron — A Larcenist’s OwlCubs

1B: Godchild La StumpCardinals

2B: Jazz Chisholm, Marlins* (*There is no justifiable reason to propose an alternative to the name “Jazz Chisholm”)

3B: Handyman ComaPadres

SS: Run, Tree Rat!Dodgers

OF: Corn Jar Landau, Braves; Bike Mottoes, Dodgers; Condor JeepsGiants

DH: Crap Berry, Eh?Phillies 

American League reserves

C: Vin Oreo Jets, Yankees

IF: A Rural SizeTwins; Aberrant Sex God, Red Sox; Zero Jam RiseGuardians; Garden-Size Men, Guardians

OF: Roger’s Green Pig, Blue Jays; Robot Bunny X, Twins; Interned Bean WindRoyals; Ye Elk Truck, Astros; Lurid, Oozier JugMariners

DH: Randy Zero Lava, Astros

Legacy: A Malice BurgerTigers

Nationals League reserves

C: Rad Avian Turds, Braves

IF: A Neon Land Oar, Cardinals; El TeaspoonMetsCliff, Jen, Me, Mets; C.C. Jr.? NoRockies; Sonny Bad Swans, Braves

OF: Beryl Whackers, Phillies; Us, Too, JanNationals; Maternal Grits, Mets; Papa Hin, Cubs

DH: Iceman A. Wrist Roll, Braves

Legacy: Burlap Jostle, Cardinals

American League pitchers

National League pitchers  

Whatever this has been, it is now over. 

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