Kindness is a word often used but rarely practised, and genuinely kind people can be viewed as weak do-gooders, too sensitive for their own good, which doesn’t make being kind a safe idea at times. As with many things in this world good is disparaged or ignored and negativity makes headline news; as such it helps to create our attitude to the world we live in.
So let’s talk a bit about this word of many levels.
The Tough Side of Kindness
Sometimes kindness requires us to make difficult decisions that we don’t want to make. It can require us to end a friendship or relationship that isn’t working so that we can free the other person and ourselves.
Sometimes it requires us to tell the truth under difficult circumstances, however, that does not mean speaking your mind and hiding behind “I say it as I see it and other people have to get used to that if they want to be around me.”
Speaking Your Mind
If a friend asks you for advice – and it’s well worth noting that it’s better to be asked for advice than to volunteer it – then they are not asking you for your opinion. They are not asking how you feel about it or what you would do, they are asking you to be sensitive to who they are and their needs.
Always speak your mind with as much kindness as possible, trying to take into consideration the person you’re speaking to. It’s a very good way to win friends and influence people.
Why People Are Unkind
This can be for a multitude of reasons,but here is my top four.
The past: The past creates the person we are now, and we are very much a product of that past. So people who are often unkind are more than likely deeply scarred by their pasts. Which doesn’t help the people around them.
If a person is deeply scarred you can either understand and empathise, or you can’t. This doesn’t make you a bad person. Sometimes we just can’t relate to the woes of another, sometimes we have overcome what’s bothering them and can’t understand their need to hang on to it and allow it to continue to ruin their present. You just have to be honest, if you can’t deal with their attitude then it is kinder to walk away (quietly) than tolerate their behaviour.
Fear: People are more afraid than you may think and that fear can present in a multitude of ways. They may fear not being good enough thereby resenting those who they see as better than them. They may fear strong people because they feel weak. They may feel out of control and see others as controlling when actually they’re not. Fear is a big subconscious motivation in this life and we need to be aware of our own fear and that of others.
If someone is operating on fear and you can’t heal their relationship with you then you may need to gently walk away. By the same token you may be the one exhibiting fear in relationships – e.g. attacking before you get hurt – and if you can look inside yourself and see that you can change it and with it your relationships.
“I don’t want to be with you and I’m not going to tell you I’m just going to drive you away.”: People may talk about courage of conviction but in truth few people really use that ability. So when they decide they don’t want to be with you they will act accordingly and keep increasing the venom of their actions until you listen.
The message here is, actions DO speak louder than words and you have to judge by the way a person actions not by the socially correct words they say.
Control. Wanting to control others is obviously a by-product of fear, so the important aspect of this one is to look at your reaction to being controlled. Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities is one reason, another is that the controlling person is a boss or parent. Naturally the ways you exit these toxic relationships will depend on your need to depend on that person, and how long that dependence must last.
However, you must NEVER forget that if you build your own inner strength, resources, and ability to manage your life by things such as building a strong career so you are financially independent, you will always be able to escape. It may take time, but the sooner you knuckle down and get on with your escape plan the sooner you can execute it.
There are other reasons but these four are the main catch-all reasons for bad relationships.
Messages from the Universe
In the Spiritual field we believe that your Guides in the Spirit World will let you know when a relationship isn’t working. Obviously you have to listen to that message which is where actions speaking louder than words comes in again.
This is easy when it comes to one relationship, but what if a lot of people are treating you the same way? Then it’s one of two messages, either you are in the wrong place doing the wrong thing, or whether you want to admit it or not you are allowing this to happen due to a lack of self-belief. You have to take responsibility for deciding which it is and acting accordingly.
If you really want to live a positive life surrounded by happy people who like and respect you, firstly you need to accept that happiness is possible and then create it, secondly and most importantly you need to BE the right person.
You can’t ask for people to be happy and positive around you if you are always moaning, whinging and complaining around and about them. To create external happiness and positivity we first need to create that feeling inside us because people respond to what they feel about a person.
I’ve only scratched the surface of this subject in this article, but I hope you’ve found some ideas and pointers you can work with.
Wishing you happy days and peaceful nights